Toy Soldiers
by sad-sensei
Summary: A short one-off from the perspective of a Cadian Stormtrooper.


**Toy Soldiers**

The rattlin', that's always the worst part.

Some will tell you the crawlers1 are crowded, but with what we'd been eatin' the past few weeks none of us took up much room.

But that fuckin' rattlin', gets inside your head it does.

"Fuckin' Bullseye2 down there Sights…" Closet gestured down the bay with a nod of his head, persuading my eyes to follow.

Bullseye he was…no smarter than a fuckin' plank3 these conscripts were. Not sure why they had stuck me and Closet with these old men and boys4…fuckin' joke it was. The Man5 had told us that we were droppin' in behind enemy lines…had another fuckin' Officer Hero6 on our hands here; wanted me'n Closet join up and keep their hairnets7 on straight. So here we were, two Tin Men8 in a crawler filled with Bullseyes, waiting to die.

You'd be surprised how quiet it gets…rodents9 know there's not much to say, gun-babies10 don't know _what_ to say. The silence rules the fuckin' air; that is, 'til the Earthshakers11 start. Swear to fuckin' Feth, damn things'll be the end of me when some Pretty Boy12 forgets he sent us in ahead of the 'nami13. Couple'a mudboots14-turned-Coassacks15 lit up Lho Sticks16…as if we ain't close enough to dyin' already…

Then comes the Last Silence17. That's when you know you're green18. The engines roar to life and a gun-baby vomits; just another fuckin' day.

I can feel the treads moving as I rise to my feet. The ride is always smoother than you 'spect, but you never expect much.

"Listen up krill19, cause I'm only gonna say this once. Keep your hairnets on, your heads down, and your laser sights20 pointed forward. You keep one ear on your comms, and your other fuckin' ear on your fuckin' comms, you hear me?"

The silence meant yes.

"You got a cooker21 or a fryer22 you stay in the rear 'til I say so. You want to live you move when I say so, duck when I say so, stop when I say so—you fuckin' don't breath 'til I say so, understood?"

The silence meant yes.

"Unless you want a nice flamer tan23, you stay out of Closet's way. There's three tight fistin's24 movin' with us in Electro Weasels25. They're goin' in first to clear the DZ26, then we're out." I couldn't help but pause as an explosion rang out and shook the fuckin' crawler. It was too close to be anything but another fist goin' up in smoke. The look on these dregs27 faces…"Make that two Weasels."

"Now, we ain't got no Hangmen28 on this drop. Don't look so fuckin' giddy, cause if you are found wanting29 in the field, I'll fuckin' do it myself. Clear?" The way they looked at me I swear another crawler'd gone up.

"I want men on the hellguns 'til the doors drop, then be ready to disco30." Comm told me we were close to the DZ as I retook my seat by the drop doors.

Closet tightened a nozzle above Flamingo's trigger, his rebreather covering what I could see was a smile. Fuckin' Bolt Magnet31 he was, always itching his pointer finger.

"Giv' ya' a bottle of 'sec32 when we get back if you take one'a-the 'cruits Kibbles'n'Bits33." Always a fuckin' joke with Closet, even when facin' a drop. It was almost like he'd forgotten our first drop. Fuckin' hairnet too big for my 'ead, helpin' a Hagrid34 rickshaw35 his speed bag36. When he asked me to help, I said, 'Me?' He just stared at me and said, 'No I'll get Hagen and Fleegan37 to help, you fuckin' plank."

I hadn't 'eard of that before.

There're about twenty of us and two Chickenfoots38…we'd lost the Cow39 we were supposed to be skankin'40 behind. Commisar called us for a halt and said he needed someone to haunt41 a few klicks ahead. I volunteered, thinkin' I was gonna pull a Yarrick42. Me'n two other babies donned our bushpaint43 and ghosted our way through the rubble up ahead, but wasn't 'til we hit the second floor of a chapel and planted roots44 that I took notice. The ground up ahead looked to be shimmering, almost like moving. My mates couldn't see the backside of a Titan from a Hive Spire, so they grabbed the pair o' magnoculars45 the ol' commie46 had lent us. Turns out some crab cakes47 were scouting out the valley below. Ever since then they called me 'Sights.'

That was the first time I ever saw me some Toy Soldiers48 up close. Boys came in and swept through those crabs and a whole unit of Tomb Kings49 like it was nothing. That's when I knew I was a Donkey's Ass50. Fuckin' Imperial Storm Troopers…

Fuckin' Toy Soldiers…

1 Slang term for a Chimera

2 Slang term for a new recruit or rookie; stems from the tendency to do dumb things in battle (like sticking one's head up and providing a 'bullseye' for enemy snipers)

3 Slang term for an Ogryn

4 Slang term for conscript squads; refers to the tendency for conscripts to be scrounged up quickly and poorly trained

5 Slang term for the general in charge of a battle

6 Slang term for higher ranking officers, used in a derogatory nature; usually used to describe officers who tend to stay safe behind lines while their troops do all the fighting

7 Slang term for a standard issue helmet

8 Refers to warriors who wear carapace armor, a sight uncommon for most front line soldiers

9 Slang term for a veteran of urban warfare, used affectionately

10 Another slang term for new recruits

11 Slang term for artillery pieces

12 Slang term for a higher ranking officer, usually one who achieved his rank through officer training school or nepotism (and has never seen battle)

13 Slang term for waves of shock troops

14 Slang term for shock troops who have been previously deployed, but never seen combat; refers to a common complaint amongst them of having 'mud in their boots,' and _that_ being their biggest problem

15 Slang term usually used to refer to old veterans with too many stories; can also be used to simply refer to a veteran, usually of five or more campaigns

16 An addictive narcotic smoked by some imperial citizens, involves inhaling laced water vapor into the lungs; can bring about slight buzzes, similar to small portions of 'chol

17 Slang term for the brief period between an artillery barrage and an infantry charge.

18 Slang term for greenlit, or given the go to proceed

19 Slang term for new recruits; refers to a long extinct species know for being on the bottom of the food chain

20 Slang term for a lasgun

21 Slang term for a meltagun, refers to the gun's tendency to cook metal

22 Slang term for a plasma gun, refers to the gun's tendency to fry its' user

23 Slang term for scorches from proximity to heat

24 Slang term for a devious and widely considered gross sexual act; used by some to refer to Armored Fist Chimeras that are completely filled

25 Slang term for Chimeras outfitted with external plates charged with electric current; 'fries' enemies in a close proximity to help clear a deployment zone

26 Short for Drop Zone

27 Slang term for recruits, usually referring to the Penal Legion, but always in a derogatory manner

28 Slang term for Commisars

29 Slang term for a field execution

30 Slang term for opening fire with a squad full of lasguns; used derogatively harkens the weapon's notoriety of ineffectiveness

31 Slang term for Sanctioned Psykers by non-psychics; usually used in a derogatory way.

32 Short for Amasec, which is a commonly found liquor made from distilled wine

33 Slang term for balls, usually referring to when a recruit is chewed out; the reprimanding officer is said to have had his 'kibbles'n'bits'

34 A slang term used to refer to a fat person; usually denotes stupidity, laziness, or inability to perform in the prescribed field

35 Slang used to describe dragging a heavy weapon fortification

36 Slang term for autocannons; refers to the noise the weapons makes when fired, akin to the sound of a boxing speed bag in use

37 Hagen and Fleegan are two mythical guardsmen who sit in the two extra seats in Chimera APCs. The legend references guardsmen's tendencies to 'Hag' (die) or 'Flee' (retreat). These two 'guardsmen,' death and cowardice, symbolically ride in every Chimera. The turn of phrase is often used to describe a ridiculous idea, or the how ridiculous the previous statement might sound

38 Slang for a Sentinel Armored Walker

39 Slang for a Leman Russ Tank

40 Slang term for the process of advancing behind an armored vehicle, as it provides moving cover

41 Slang for scout, hence the nickname 'ghosts' for scout units

42 To kill an enemy and take a trophy back to your unit

43 Cameleoline, a camouflage face paint distributed in standard guardsmen infantry packs

44 Slang term for establishing vox communications

45 Optical devices capable of enhancing the view of distant objects, can also track heat and enemy movements

46 Short for Commisar

47 Slang term for Necron scarabs

48 Slang term for Storm Troopers or Kraskin Squads

49 Slang term used generally to refer to Necons

50 Slang term used to describe 'lifers,' as in military men; although drafted into battle until death, some guardsmen feel that their place is in the military, and as such are 'in it for the long haul,' much like a pack animal; it is believed it originally carried a negative connotation, one meaning 'fool' or 'idiot,' but that meaning has long since been replaced


End file.
